New Moon Parody
by Olivia Niamh Cullen
Summary: This is just the whole of New Moon but in a slightly more comical manner. I hope you enjoy. :D If you want to read more, review! I OWN NOTHING. :D
1. Granny Swan

Bella mumbles something about fiery delights and ends and consuming things. She thinks she is intelligent because she can recite Shakespeare!

Then she rudely barges through some innocent red people, only to find herself in her and Edward's meadow! I think we should assume that she was transported there via VAMPIRE MAGIC.

She seems content for a moment until, oddly enough, she spots a decrepit old woman staring at her from across the space.

"GRAN!?" Bella shouts at her in shock.

"Maaaaaaaybe." Granny Swan replies from far away.

They both go to wave at exactly the same time, but Bella thinks nothing of this and moves on.

Meanwhile, a sexy man lurks in the trees. Bella turns to look at him.

"Edward, no!" Bella scolds, but he ignores her and does what he wants anyway. He steps out into the beams of conveniently placed sunlight and strolls over to her. The sunlight is reflected off of his skin in a sparkly fashion, almost blinding Bella's granny.

Bella then drags Edward towards granny so that she can show off her new beau. This is to assure granny that she was wrong about her constant shrieking that Bella would die alone with no man in her life…just like she did.

"Gran, look at my sexy man candy-" Bella began. But she was cut off short when granny's mouth moved in sync with hers, how curious.

Bella was about to complain about her granny copying her in advance when she realised that it was not her granny, it was in fact her! Twilight zone much!?

Oh, and the "Maaaaaaaybe," was in Bella's mind…totally makes sense.

Edward wished ancient Bella a happy birthday and she felt like slapping him because of the irony of it all. Because it was Edward's fault that Bella did the natural life process of aging. All his fault.


	2. Jessica's Master Plan

Bella woke up in her room, disgruntled and feeling slightly older than yesterday.

Then to make matters worse her rouge of a father practically barged her door down, screaming "happy birthday." He was carrying an abundance of gifts.

"No presents!" Bella screamed at him, throwing the covers back over her head like some sort of…spoilt child but…opposite.

Charlie shoved her until she looked at him and thrust a pink camera in her face. She was displeased. When she said she didn't want presents that actually meant she wanted really, really good presents.

Bella assessed the feeble excuse for a camera and then said, "Yay." unenthusiastically.

Charlie then dumped a wrapped present on her bed muttering nothing more than, "Renee."

Bella tore open the package to reveal a book. "Yay."

Charlie mumbled something about "Senior year.", "Photos." and "Whatever happened to Ben Cheney?"

Then he appraised her. "You look old."

Bella screamed and then dove in front of her mirror to check for wrinkles and other sorts of nasty stuff. When she realised that she looked normal, or normal for her, she turned around to beat Charlie for his attempt at humour. But all that there was a tumble weed…and a moustache. And a tumble weed made out of moustache hair.

Later on in the morning Bella drove along to school. The news played on the radio.

"_There have been many savage killings taking place in Forks, the authorities say that the next victim is most likely to be Bella Sw-"_

Bella switched the radio station and began to sing along to _I'm walking on sunshine._

Bella arrived at school to find her less good looking friends had stalked her again.

"Big day, Bella!" Jessica informed her.

"What? No it isn't. Why?" Bella said shiftily.

"R and J essay is due!" Jessica replied triumphantly. Jessica knew that her master plan was taking effect. If Bella did not hand in the Romeo and Juliet essay Mr. Birdie would most likely be so disgusted with her that he would kick her out of school. Then Jessica would hand in her 37 page long essay, win everyone's approval and steal Edward from her.

Jessica did not realise however that she had recited this master plan out loud.

"Right…" Bella said scared.

Mike tried to move past the awkwardness by quoting some more Shakespeare!

I did not work.

"Yeah, so anyway, I have this cam-" Before Bella could even finish her sentence the humans had donned poses, ready for their picture. They were quite sure it would be legendary.

Bella took the picture and recoiled at how un-Godlike they all were.

Bella paid no more attention to the humans then however, because she saw that her sex on legs, Edward Cullen, was sauntering over to her.

Edward wished her a Happy Birthday just as he had in her dream and this brought back bad memories for her.

She scowled at him, "How could you even say that!?"

"What are you on about?" He asked her.

"My aging must not be celebrated." She decreed.

"You are eighteen, get over it."

"But you are _seventeen_!" Bella hissed. Passers by looked perplexed. _Wasn't that Cullen guy seventeen when he first got here?_

"Bella, hush! Besides if you want to get technical I am a hundred and nine, so there." He corrected her.

"Ew, that's old, old man." Bella nodded.

"Oh, yeah?" He said angrily, he then began to lick her face.

Before Bella could get remotely excited Edward pulled away. "Class."

"You _bitch_!" Bella complained, she began to stumble away before Edward stopped her.

"Hang on, someone wants you…in many ways." He told her.

Bella turned to see MUSCLY Jacob approaching her.

Bella ran up to him shouting about how he uses steroids.

"I'm filling out! Growing up, getting old, like you!" Jacob said.

Bella felt more annoyance.

"But if we hung out more then it wouldn't seem so drastic." He said bitterly, almost scarily.

"Perhaps. Well, why don't you join this school then, just make life a pain in the ass for yourself?" She asked as if it were simple.

"Because: no. You people are too pale." He said.

"That's racist. There are darker toned students here too, Jake." Bella said sternly.

"I'm building a rather large, mechanical rabbit that plays the symbols. You should come and see it. It'll freak you out." He interrupted her.

"I'm sure it will, does it hop?" She countered.

"Um…I'm sure it could, if I tweaked it a bit." He said.

"Lollage." Bella said randomly and they both started to giggle.

"Wow, okay. Here's a dream catcher." He said presenting it to her.

"You douche bag!" Bella said, hitting him on the arm before gazing at it intently. "Pretty."

"Yes, I am." Jacob said.

"Thanks." Bella said in a dismissing manner.

"I guess I'll be going then, got to go finish the rabbit." He said looking fearful.

"Okay, yeah." Bella said.

Jacob then looked deliberately at Edward, then he looked at Bella's chest, then he looked back at Edward and walked away.


	3. Angela's Struggle

Bella and Edward walked along the school corridor.

"Soooooo." Edward began. "How come Jacob Black get's to give you stuff and I don't?"

"Because, my dear Edward, that would mean, eventually, I would have to buy you something in return." Bella explained.

"You don't _have _to give me anything. I give you stuff because I love you, not because I want anything in return."

During Edward's rant Bella was opening and closing her hand and flapping her mouth wildly, mocking him.

"Besides, would it be _that _horrible to have to spend money on me if y-"

"I'm poor!" Bella yelled at him, everyone turned to stare.

"I knew it!", was said from far away. Jessica Stanley.

Edward bit his tongue, Bella started to walk along again. "See? That's all I want."

"Bella!" Screamed the awesome Alice Cullen as she flung herself over a school railing, not caring who saw because she was _that _cool.

Jasper sighed.

"Happy Birthday!" Alice said, giving Bella a hug.

"Shut it, Pixie!" Bella said, checking to see who had heard her scandalous remark.

Alice continued to smile and handed Bella a lovely present.

"I said no presents!" She sobbed.

"Yeah, you did. But I chose to ignore you." Alice replied simply. Bella sobbed harder. "And as an added bonus, you get to wear tonight at our "Bella-palooza"!"

Once Bella had recovered from her hysterical sobbing she inquired, "Bella-palooza?"

"A party." She said. Bella looked confused. "For you."

Alice placed her hand over Bella's mouth before she could cry any more.

"It will be fun!" Alice assured her.

Jasper then gave Bella a pervy look.

Bella wiggled her eyebrows at him. "Well, I guess I could come…"

"Yaaaaaaaay!" Alice said. She and Edward high fived, making a thunder clap.

"Rain!" Angela Webber gasped, trying pry open an oversized umbrella with some difficulty.

"Okay, see you at seven." Alice nodded and gave a hop, skip and jump over to Jasper.

"Awwww. Alice, no fair! You got Jasper to seduce me again!" Bella pouted.

"Again?" Alice cried, slapping Jasper. It made another thunder clap.

"Holy hell! It's coming down now!" Angela reacted, now wrestling with the umbrella.

"Sorry, girls. HAPPY BIRHTDAY, BELLA SWAN." Jasper took his vengeance.

"Shhhh!" Bella hissed, scanning the area like she was a very bad secret agent on minimum wage.

"You can't trust vampires." Edward told her.

He walked over to Angela, who was now using her teeth to gnaw through the umbrella, and clapped his hands together, making another loud crack of thunder.

"AHHHH!" Angela howled, frenziedly. "I'm going to die!"

"Trust me." Edward grinned at his own humour.

As they walked to class, Bella pondered," If she thought there was a storm why was she going out in it?"


	4. THE VOLFREAKINGTURI!

So, it was English class and everyone handed in their assignments. Jessica's plan was foiled, for you see, though she had done a 37 page essay, each page said something along the lines of:

_Ed and Jess 4 ever._

_Mike and Jess 4 ever, 2k9._

_Bella and Jess, homies 4 life._

(The last was scribbled over by Bella)

This meant that Jessica had to watch Bella-perfect-Swan receive an A+, while Jessica herself received a mighty ZILTCH.

Later on they watched Romeo and Juliet, which was odd because their assignment was done.

"Celebrations suuuuuuuck." Bella moaned.

"Would you like some cheese to go with that whining?" Edward asked.

"I say that Romeo sucks." Bella moved on.

"But I'm Romeo!" Edward gasped.

Bella turned to him slowly. "What?"

"In Stephenie Meyer's _amazing _parallel. I'm Romeo, you're Juliet and Paris is J-"

"Enough of your rambling." Bella waved him off.

"Although, Romeo does have luck in some ways." Edward shrugged.

"As in?" She asked suspiciously, glaring at the dead Juliet on screen, like she was some sort of threat.

"He could top himself so easily." Edward observed enviously.

Bella stared at him for several minutes. "What…the f-?"

"It's almost impossible for me." He sighed. "Humans can drown, they can suffocate, they-"

"When and _why _did you try and kill yourself!?" Bella whisper shouted.

"-can be crushed by an impact, be impaled on a spike, drink some harmless bleach-"

"Answer me!" Bella begged.

"Or my personal favourite, being set alight by a flame thow- Oh, Bella! There you are. Yeah, well, I just thought about it once."

"You mean the time James bit me." Bella remembered resentfully. She was glad James had been disposed of. If he hadn't then she would have done it herself when she was a newborn. If he had a grave she could go and give it a swift kick now.

"Yeah, I would have had to ask the Volturi, very nicely, to kill me."

"The Volturroro?"

"The Volturi."

"Voltimopolie?"

"The Volturi!"

"Vololololololol." Bella kept on until the sound had turned into "lol" over and over again.

"THE VOL-FREAKING-TURI!" Edward yelled.

"Mr. Cullen!" Mr. Birdie called.

"Mr. Birdie." Edward acknowledged.

The rest of the students called, "CAW CAW!"

"It's Berty!" He shook his fist at them all.

"Sure, it is." Edward nodded.

"Recite some more Shakespeare for us!"

"Oh, hell…" Bella rolled her eyes.

Edward cleared his throat. "O here will I set up my everlasting rest. And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace. And lips, O you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss, a dateless bargain to engrossing death."

Edward finished this, ready for applause. But everyone was watching Mike Newton who was standing upon a table doing some sort of jig.

"Narrow minded, small town, ignoramuses." Edward mumbled.

Bella was staring up at Edward, looking worried. I know that wasn't funny, but it was a fact!


	5. VAMPIRE UNIVERSE

**Just in case you chose to ignore the link at the bottom…**

**http:****(fwd slash)****(fwd slash)****www(dot)youtube(dot)com****(fwd slash)****watch?v=uumxnLG7rvA**

"The _Volturi_." Edward emphasized to Bella as they stood in the Cullen house observing a portrait. Bella nodded, finally gasping the concept. Edward looked away from her and carried on. "Are sort of the old coots of the vampire universe, the are our royalty too. This, in retrospect, was a bad decision, because they are all mentally disturbed."

"VAMPIRE UNIVERSE-is that Carlisle?" Bella inquired.

Edward accepted Bella's outburst without any qualms. "Yep. They were roomies for a while."

"Roomies?"

"Yes, Aro likes to keep things…casual." Edward shuddered. "He described them as refined, although they hunt humans for sport. Carlisle didn't approve of this…so he just kept score."

Edward them retrieved an index card from his jacket, read the following in a cheesy presenter's voice. "The Volturi's interests include art, science and law!"

"Oooooh! They sound like a catch." Bella giggled.

Edward narrowed his eyes at her. But unbeknownst to either of them the portrait behind them began to move!

By the sound of the music playing, the Volturi are similar to the mafia…

"What law's do they like?" Bella asked.

"Vampire one's of course." Edward sighed.

"Vampire's have laws! ROFL!" Bella guffawed.

"Only one! We cannot make spectacles of ourselves." He told her.

"What? Why wouldn't they want you to turn into _glasses_?" Bella grinned stupidly.

A high hat was heard.

"Hey! Cheesy jokes are _my _thing!" Alice cried from the living room.

"Cool it, Pixie!" Bella instructed.

"And," Edward tried to get back to the subject at hand," We must not kill conspicuously."

"So, say you wanted to drag me to the top of the school building, yell a battle cry and plunge your teeth into my skin, sucking me dry…they might frown upon that?" Bella asked, resting a hand upon her chin.

"Yes, they are sticklers for the rules." He nodded. "Although, I _could _do that, if I didn't mind dying afterwards."

"Okaaaay. Stop being all morbid, you're getting me down!" Bella chastised," Don't make me go all emo on your ass."

She shook her head and then looked up at him. "I can't even think…"

"No, you really can't, can you?" Edward sighed in despair.

"…About someone hurting you." She finished glaring at him.

Edward looked about shiftily." Well, it's your fault, you need to finish your sentences faster! And don't worry, the only thing that can hurt me is you."

"What! I can't even tap your wrist without getting a broken hand!" Bella scoffed. "And what about our friend Vicky?"

_There is a shot of Vicky rolling around in the dirt._

"Eventually, she will come." Edward said darkly. "Alice shall see her as she approaches, and we will take her."

Bella stared up in horror.

She came out of her stupor. "You know, _I _could "take her", if you changed me…" Bella thought of the possibilities. "I could run to the Volturi and become the vampire queen!"

Bella began hopping around, clawing the air. "Rawr, rawr. Ah-rawr, rawr, rawr!"

Edward groaned, running his hand from his hair to his mouth.

"Okay, Bella. Stop, stop! You…um…you already protect me…yeah that'll work."

"How?"

"Well, I couldn't live with out you, so it's my job to protect you…" Edward looked past Bella and saw Alice approaching with a determined look in her face.

"Get in here! Now! Di di mau!" She shoved Bella, poking her with a rather pointy stick.

"Alright, alright! I'm going!" Bella walked into the living room to see the Cullen's waiting for her.

"My subjects." She sighed contentedly.

Rosalie growled.

As Bella descended the stairs Carlisle and Esme met her.

"Sorry for…this." He apologised.

Bella looked up to see a life sized portrait of her self, swaying back and forth from the ceiling.

Bella almost gagged.

"Alice, could not be restrained."

"It was physically impossible and inconceivable to even try." Esme nodding, giving Bella a bone crushing hug. "Happy Birthday!"

Alice took a picture to document the occasion. Bella questioned her with her eyes.

"I stole the camera from your bag…I do not care what you think of that." She said impassively.

**I have already spoofed the rest of this scene on You Tube…so if you want severed goat's heads, Christmas presents, birthday bombs and Sexy Omelettes click on the link below! **

**http:****(fwd slash)****(fwd slash)****www(dot)youtube(dot)com****(fwd slash)****watch?v=uumxnLG7rvA**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Love from,**

**Livvy.**


	6. He's A Disapointment Of A Brother!

**I OWN NOTHING!**

Jasper gazed at Bella hungrily, both Alice and Edward were starting to get jealous. But if Edward had been paying more attention and read his mind he would see that Jasper was seeing a T-Bone steak in place of Bella, like some Looney tunes cartoon.

"I'm gonna eat ya!" Jasper cried in his Texan tone, getting ready to pounce.

"Oh, I see." Edward grasped the situation, he and Alice exchanged relieved looks. Then Edward realized that Bella was in mortal peril. So, being the heroic genius that he is, he saved her by tossing her onto a glass table full of pointy, spiky, jagged things, which she hit with a mighty crack.

"Ooh!" The Cullen's exclaimed.

"Oh, hell no!" Alice said through her teeth.

And yet, Jasper was too engrossed in his burning thirst to be deterred, so he kept on running in slow motion.

Edward and the rest of the Cullen's decided that the situation was too intense and so they fled.

"Hey, get back here, you jag offs!" Bella yelled after them, she was looking extremely mangled. Jasper continued to run in slow motion towards her. She sighed, "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

She rose to her feet, and stretched out her muscles, she wasn't muscly like Jacob, but then again, no one is muscly like Jacob.

"Let's do this, Jazz!" She screamed. She began running in slow motion too, flailing her arms. They got closer…and closer….and-

The Cullen's were standing around outside in the garden. Rosalie was giddy at what was sure to be Bella's demise, Emmett was happy for her. Esme wanted to whip up a batch of her patented Sexy Omelettesä to cheer herself up. Carlisle was eager to see what a Bella's insides would look like…because he was a doctor…not because he was a raving lunatic…or a vampire…

Edward was distraught, he'd killed another pet. Alice was wondering if she should go and help Jasper clean up the mess when…

BOOM!

The Cullen's ran back in to find Jasper sprawled out upon the floor next to the broken piano, unconscious and defeated. Bella was looking smug.

"What the hell did you do!" Rosalie snarled, she had been jipped.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She bit her lip, grinning.

"Yes!" Carlisle gaped.

"Well, I was-" Bella was cut off. The life sized portrait of Bella that Alice had hung up for the party fell on her with and almighty crash.

Edward lifted off the portrait and Bella looked up at the Cullen's, all of whom were giving her evils because she was bleeding even more profusely.

_What a bitch!_

"Take Jasper's lifeless corpse out of here." Carlisle demanded, flying over to Bella.

Alice bent down next to Jasper, she checked him over, "I'm pretty sure he's okay, he's just-"

"Are you a doctor, Alice? I'm a doctor, so shut up." He said checking Bella for…something.

Alice glared at Carlisle before following Emmet out of the room, who was dragging Jasper by the right leg across the floor, he was dragged over the remains of the piano with a _plinky plunk._

"Hey!" Alice yelled at Emmett, "I have to use that later!"

"Since when does she play piano?" Esme asked as she and Rosalie left the room.

"I'm pretty sure she was talking about Jasper." Rosalie informed her, they chortled and left.

Edward continued to glare at Bella, she was so rude, coming into his house and breaking his lovely piano.

"I'm afraid you need surgery." Carlisle said demonically.

"Uh…" Bella looked around shiftily for help.

"Check on Jasper, Edward." Carlisle told him, "I'm sure he's very upset and-

"What do I care, he's a disappointment of a brother…a _disappointment_!" Edward said very audibly.

"Edward!" Carlisle gasped, appalled.

Edward marched from the room, stomping his feet childishly.

**It's been a while since I updated...yeah.**

**So there you are. :D**


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